Apparently all you have to do to annoy me is to drool on yourself, crap your pants past the age of 20, itch your head with that space between your index finger and thumb, win "gold" medals for doing absolutely nothing, yell for no reason etc.  I work in a place that provides services for mentally deficient people (not just myself) and all day long it is a constant internal struggle for me not to laugh out loud at these people.  Look, i understand they are different but if they want to be treated the same as everyone they need to accept the fact that people will laugh at them...a lot..once they accept this fact, they can just be content knowing that the way they act and live their lives is a constant source of comedy for almost everyone else around them.  God damn

This could be a long one.  Let us pretend that you are a worthless person, who would better serve the world by decaying underground, which would help fertilize the soil, which would help aid the growth of crops, which would provide farmers with more or a profit, which in turn would put my food on people's tables.  Now let us pretend that person is everyone but me.  Ok let us stop pretending because it's true.  I understand the purpose of these blogs are to write whatever you want but who the hell cares if some stranger talks about hanging out with their friends?  I read this and i can't believe how stupid people sound.  Don't type lol ever, i don't care if you have to write out "i am laughing loudly by myself in this room"  you sound like an idiot if you write lol or brb or any other short form crap.  Can't you almost smell the dead brain cells?  I can and it smells like everywhere i;ve been and everywhere i go.  i don't want to know if you went out drinking, or if you are heavy drug user, if you want to convey that information, all you have to do is type I SUCK AT LIFE AND I AM WORTHLESS and the message will be loud and clear.  Now stop wasting my time.  I'm sure some people will say, "you don't have to read their entries"  that is true but they don't have to write them and i don't have to listen to you because you are worse off than they are.  My blood pressure is way too high for someone my age, thanks a lot you idiots.  next time i have to talk about cell phones and ring tones.

coughing now, hard, body shaking coughs.  Makes me sore.  but the plus side is simply this.....at least i'm not a red sox fan.

Halloween is almost upon us and as kids wander the streets like vagrants in search of a pulled pork sandwich, i have to begin to prepare to defend my house from those little bastards.  Sure, most kids just want candy but there are always some who are up to no good.  Paintball guns, eggs, pumpkins, toilet paper etc.  They want to cause a mess and then laugh about it, sort of like how i laugh about how small their dicks must be.  Anyway, this year i'm going to be ready.  Dressed in all black i'm going to be roaming my property with a slingshot and perhaps a bb gun, just waiting.  The first car i see that pulls up to my house with malicious intent gets a ball bearing launched at it.  Anyone who wants to step onto the lawn and attempt to shoot my house with a paintball gun is gonna get a rock shot at them.  I cannot wait for this halloween to arrive.  Those little fuckers.

It always seems that in moments of vehicular distress you always find yourself saying " i wish i kept (blank) in my car or truck"  Well let us take a moment to compile a list of must have items.   In no particular order that are: a flashlight, some sort of stabbing or beating item (knife, bat, billy club, box cutter etc), a clean pair of socks and underwear, a blanket, a full box of condoms (you don't want people to think you are unclean or that you don't care), some sort of snack in the glove compartment, a map (preferrably one of the area you are in at the time), spare change, tissues/napkins, tibetan philosophy books (i.e. the Tao of tailgating), febreeze, a copy of your family crest, minimum of two ounces of i can't believe it's not butter, rape and suicide hotline phone numbers (on index card taped to steering wheel), random dental records (just in case), some sort of unnecessary air freshner and/or obligatory stupid looking seat covers (or a steering wheel cover), compass on the dash, jesus on the dash and a 3 pound bag of whatever fruit is seasonal at the time.

According to a survey conducted by myself, the center of my pant's universe is my penis. This comes as a surprise because no more than three months ago it appeared that the scar on my right shin had become the all powerful center. "it's just so blatantly scarred, how can you not admire it?" one testicle was quoted as saying of the shin (though i guess the same quote could be applied to the penis.) There is sure to be unrest in my pants for quite some time after this shocking but reassuring news.

When Mel Gibson was casting the role of Jesus for the passion of the christ, i was called in for numerous auditions.  I thought i would have been great for the role.  I had the long unkempt hair, unshaven, gaunt.  But Mel Gibson told me i wasn't pious enough.  Well fuck him

i hate when my boxers creep up on me, they should know their role and fucking stay put. 

My comments on social change.  These are just a few things i offer up for others to think about.  (it should be noted if you don't agree with or care for anything i say here, you reserve the right to go fuck yourself)   Things I would like to see :

• Reality shows should be made illegal, only because they suck and are a complete waste of time.
• Baseball games should be last no longer than 6 innings
• SUVs should cost 10 times as much as regular cars
• NASCAR and all other forms of "professional" racing should be banned, they are wasting gasoline and my time, i don't know which is more valuable
• Rap and its influence should be erased from all aspects of popular culture, i don't really want to see it anymore
• Hunting should be illegal and if not illegal, people who oppose hunting should be able to get licenses to hunt the hunters.  That should make it interesting
• Alcohol taxed just as much as cigarettes (if not more) "would you like a 50 dollar glass of beer?"
• If you add rims, spoilers, obnoxious unnecessary sound systems etc. to your vehicle, then you should lose your license for 3 years and pay a fine of 5,000 dollars
• Bring all of our troops home, not just from Iraq but from everywhere.  Lets take care of ourselves first.  Its our meddling that took us to the top of everyones shit lists.
• Baseball playoffs played in secret so no one loses their head over a goddamn game
• With all of our troops back home we can actually keep people out of our country, what a concept, tighten security at the borders
• Stop relying on the middle east for oil, we can find other sources for a while, by not buying we can drive the prices down (they can't overcharge when they have a surplus)
• Harsher drug laws, a slap on the wrist won't cut it
• Once every 30 days an electro magnetic pulse would be sent out, this pulse would temporarily disable cell phones.  The effects of said pulse would only last 29 days.

Thats it i guess

This morning around 1 am i was awakened by the sound of ruckus outside of my house. Normally i would pull the sheets over my head and go back to sleep but i was feeling daring and decided to investigate. Pulling on my dickies and sweatshirt i walked quietly to the front door and looked out but i didn't see anything, so i went to various windows throughout my house and looked out. It was only when i looked out the slider in the downstairs tv room that i saw the trouble makers. There were two men attempting to break into my brothers car as well as mine. Thinking to myself that if i were them i wouldn't do such a thing, i went into my garage and grabbed the closest weapon, a metal baseball bat, which i used to hit with when i was in little league, ah the memories. I crept out the slider and towards the two men. My heart was pounding in my chest and i was sure they could hear it. Kind of like the Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allen Poe. Anyway, i avoided the leaves which would crunch under my feet and surely give away my presence. They both had their backs to me as i got closer to them. They weren't talking and were working quickly. As i prepared myself to hit the man closest to me in the back, i wondered if the other one had a gun. I swung at his lower back like barry bonds swings at a hanging curveball. I will never forget the sound. Like slapping the side of a whale with a cadillac. He grunted and dropped to the ground. As he rolled over i saw a flash of metal in his right hand and i quickly knocked it out. It was a knife. The other man ran towards me, also armed with a knife. He stopped and stared at me. I stared at him. Fight or flight doesn't begin to describe what you are feeling in that situation. It is almost surreal, like you are watching yourself star in a low budget movie and alternating between loving it and hating it. I could see his breath hanging in the air. His eyes flashed between me and his partner. It felt like we stood there for 10 minutes but it was probably closer to 30-45 seconds. Eventually he lowered the knife and turned and ran down the driveway. i shifted my attention back to the man on the ground and then heard the squeal of tires as the other man drove off. The man on the ground had pain written all over his face. He wasn't trying to get up. I noticed he had dropped a cell phone when i had attacked him. Using his phone i called the police (oh the irony). They arrived within 10 minutes of the call and they took the man away. I went to the station to file my report and then i came home around 3 in the morning, i was exhausted. I still am now. The police said they would be in touch, there isn't much they can charge him with considering he didn't actually break into the car. The most they can get him for is trespassing and maybe malicious intent. I don't know. Baseball bats are wonderful

after a very disturbing conversation last night, i have determined that very few people actually have good senses of humor.  While everyone who is roughly the same age as me are quick to sing the praises of shitty "comedies", i am quick to cring at this type of behavior.  It started innocently enough, when one of my friends suggested i see "Old School".  I hadn't bothered to watch it before because i figured it wasn't going to be that good.  Well, i watched it and boy was i wrong!  It was absolutely fucking awful.  I gave it a shot and didn't stop it in the middle, i sat through the whole thing.  I didn't laugh once, not only that but i didn't even smile.  This movie was a waste of time and there really isn't any other way to sum it up.  Now i can't believe that so many people love the movie, there must be like a huge practical joke that everyone but me is in on.  It just doesn't make sense.  I can roll out of bed at 5 in the morning and write funnier stuff than what is in that movie.  Just a shame.  What isn't a shame is that i have neglected to watch other shitty "comedies".  Super Troopers, Van Wilder, Club Dread, Harold and Kumar go to white castle.  The list goes on and on.  In fact, something has just occurred to me.  The last 15 minutes of Saw were funnier than all of Old School.  Makes my heart bleed.  Stupid fucking "comedies".

Last night i went to a place called Casey's Grill and Bar.  Apparently it is the hot spot for social activity in Wakefield and for all i know most of the state.  I went there for dinner with my friend Kim and it wasn't too bad.  The food was good and for the most part i could ignore everyone else.  However, at one moment during the patriots game (which was being shown on the televisions in the bar) the place erupted into applause and cheers.  What the fuck is the point of that?  They can't hear you all the way in St. Louis.  They can't but i can and you sound annoying as hell.  Then to make it worse, they showed the replay 15 seconds later and the idiots clapped again.  I can't even begin to tell you how stupid they sounded.  To each his own, unless you sound like a moron, in which case just drop dead.

i heard about this band called The Number Twelve Looks Like You, a couple of months ago.  I listened to a song by them called Jesus and Tori.  It was fast, random, loud, and musically speaking just seemed crazed and all over the place.  I loved every second of it.  I have listened to their entire album and the whole thing is great.  If you are interested try downloading some of their stuff.  They are similar to The Dillinger Escape Plan or Everytime I Die.  Personal favorite song by them is entitled If These Bullets Could Talk.  That is it for today kiddos. Enjoy

jammed on thursday with vere.  first time in a long time.  it was good though, musically we seem to be on the same page and we are making progress towards finalized versions of songs.  We just need a singer and a bassist.  Maybe a combo of the two.  a friggin power trio.  I can't wait to play live.  In an ideal world, after the show, someone would come up to me and tell me that is the most god awful thing they have ever heard.  but while that naysayer is talking, someone would come up and interrupt them and say that was the best thing they had ever heard.  i cannot wait.  by the way, matt still loves Simple Plan

a list of foods i enjoyed when i was fat

-skittles

-twizzlers

-peanut butter m&m's

-oatmeal pies

-strawberry milk

-bavarian cream doughnuts

-smuckers jelly beans

-starburst jelly beans

-big macs

-whoppers

-cheeseburger pockets from dangelos

-extra cheese pizza

-three musketeers

-regular m&ms

-cookies and cream ice cream

-fries

-calzones

-oreos (double stuff)

-chocolate chip cookies

-sour cream and onion chips

-funyons

-cheese doodles

-cheesecake

i miss them all

there is really nothing better than a good solid nickname.  Some people try to bestow upon themselves nicknames in hopes of acheiving good nickname status (like george in seinfeld when he tried to give himself the nickname t-bone)  Anyway, a list of some of the people i know and their nicknames.

Joe- Joofis, Paison of laziness

Mario- Marfons, Vere, Maersh

Me- Hoz (used to be Tank when i was fat)

Adam- Howard, Howie

Spatcher-Banana Hands

Matt- Pierre (after the singer from Simple Plan)

Molly- Skank

Lee- Red Wings

Anthony- Old Guy

Lamendola- Unwelcome, Unwanted

Alyse- Loose (that's what Mario calls her anyway)

Kate W. - Spatcher's Receptacle

Katie R.- Yikes

Katie O- Joe and Spatcher's receptacle, Raw Dog

Because it is christmas time, i feel that i should compile my christmas wish list.

- The removal of the word god from our culture ("he" had no part in you scoring a touchdown joe horn and no, outkast "he" didn't help you win a billboard music award) "he" gets thanked for everything, well isn't it possible that the people themselves actually did all the work? i wish i got credit for not doing anything.

- world peace (hahahahha, in order to start that process i should just ask for a new president)

- no more mention of the idea of giving and love and sharing on christmas.  I fucking hate christmas, it is without a doubt the most pointless self indulgent time of year.  I really wish it didn't exist or that we wouldn't celebrate it.  fuck you christmas, you make my life miserable.

• After watching Tony Gonzalez drop a lot of passes in the best hands competition before just giving up altogether, i had to wonder, if they were launching tortillas, tacos or arroz con pollo at him would he have grabbed everything in sight?
• Apparently a new suv which makes the hummer seem small is going to hit the market soon. This new suv is about 10 feet high and will cost about 225,000 dollars. The only question this poses is how small is your dick if you buy this thing. Well i guess i should say, if you buy this, could your penis be any smaller? I submit not.
• Something i learned today; Girls don't like it when you call oral sex "having sex with your face", so just tell those skanks you want to engage in some good old fashioned face fucking.
• News flash: Joe is still addicted to the internet
• When Joe began to "work" on his 1968 Mustang the car was only 34 years old by the time he finishes it, it could very well be 40 years old. Letting joe work on a car is like giving someone a bottle of wine so that it can age for 10 years or so.
• People can say what they want about the movie "Ong-Bak" but i love it and it makes me think that muay thai makes it possible to whup someone pretty well.
• ah Valentine's Day, the perfect chance to show those you love just how much you care about them by purchasing them things they don't need or even want for that matter. I feel there is no better example of love and affection than when you correlate someone's love with how much they are willing to spend on candy, cards, stuffed animals and other useless shit. Let's just put Valentine's Day onto my list of holidays i hate.
  

• Winter is the worst and always will be
• Snow serves absolutely no purpose
• Bigfoot does exist
• Jimi Hendrix is a touch overrated
• alcohol is a waste of time, ditto for marijuana, cocaine, heroin etc
• water is good stuff and free
• my telecaster should have a good name but i can't think of any
• that i can be frustrating and annoying to deal with

• Not being able to tell if you are talking to your girlfriend or one of her male housemates online
• getting slapped in the face with a tomato slice
• having someone plunge their fingers/entire hand into your beverage
• biting your tongue
• having someone with bad breath and/or body odor whisper in your ear
• sitting on one or both of your testicles
• getting ignored by an automatic urinal
• getting out of bed and having your dick hanging out of your boxers, especially when someone has come into your room to wake you up
• grabbing your water bottle by its not firmly in place lid, promptly spilling approximately 26 ounces of water all over the goddamn place
• stepping on a small little rock when you are walking around bare foot
• smacking your knee or elbow on something solid
• liking pink floyd
• reading one of my posts, when you think you are going to be reading something funny

• For some reason "metal" bands like to make videos that they think are hardcore.  They must sit around and be like "fire dude, yeah fucking fire is badass"  "Satan loves fire"  "Lets have some random violence and then maybe some....MORE FIRE DUDE"   I hate these bands.
• When you hear a song that is really really awful, it usually just makes you cringe.  But you have to understand at some point they had a producer sitting in the recording studio listening to the playback and giving them the thumbs up and being like "that's the one, thats the keeper right there".  What the fuck is that?  Give them the truth and move on.
• Lesbian porn is arousing and delicate and lovely and all that.  It can be pretty hot if done right but i have to say that i need to see penetration.  I need to eventually see the girl get slammed.  Now if that means a strap-on, then so be it.  That is what i call women's lib.
• Me + Arnold + Roughhousing= a broken wall.  Way to go pal.
• Delack claims to be studying abroad in Germany but i think he really went there because they are more laidback when it comes to sodomy.  Asking rob to keep his dick out of strange men's asses is like asking Big Dick to keep his shirt on.  Damn near impossible.

• Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin) - This guy pretty much set the standard for me in terms of great rock voices.  Just listen to anything by Led Zeppelin and you'll understand.  On early bootlegs its ridiculous to hear how high his range went.  Standout tracks: Whole Lotta Love, Communication Breakdown, The Lemon Song, Immigrant Song, Traveling Riverside Blues
• Bob Marley (Bob Marley and the Wailers) - Forget about his impact on reggae music and just listen to the voice.  It is so honest and earthy and rootsy.  I love listening to his voice. Standout tracks: No Woman No Cry (from the Live album), Natural Mystic, War, Kaya
• Otis Redding - In my book this guy is the number 1 soul singer.  There is something about his voice that just gets me everytime.  I think its because he had a smooth delivery with a rasp to it that gave him a combination of a highly polished and still slightly raw sounding voice. Standout tracks: Try a Little Tenderness, Sitting on the Dock of the Bay, Thats How Strong My Love Is, These Arms of Mine
• Corey Glover (Living Colour) - Power singing here but also could take it down a bit if the song called for it. Standout tracks: Cult of Personality, Time's Up, Desperate People, Information Overload, This is the Life (listen to the ending starting around 5:04)
• Bon Scott (AC/DC) - His voice conveyed to me just how crazy of a guy he was.  Not always in tune but never lost energy or passion.  When i say he wailed, he literally wailed his way through a song. Standout tracks: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, Whole Lotta Rosie, TNT, The Jack, Highway to Hell
• Maynard James Keenan (Tool, A Perfect Circle) - Where do i even begin?  I can't sum up what makes his voice so good.  Listen to him sing softly, loudly or just screaming.  He can do it all and it never sounds like anyone else.  Totally unique voice. Standout tracks: Stinkfist, Sober, Aenima, Hush, Passenger (he does guest vocals on this Deftones song but its still amazing)
• Corey Taylor (Slipknot, Stone Sour) - This guy's voice just explodes with force when he yells. But he can also sing normally just fine.  His regular singing voice has a kind of gritty southern rock feel to it sometimes.  One of the best screaming vocalists i have ever heard. Standout tracks: Sic, Tumult, Get Inside, almost anything on Slipknot's latest album, Everything Ends, Purity
• Chris Cornell (Soundgarden, Audioslave) - This guy used to remind me of a younger Robert Plant.  I don't dig him with Audioslave as much as i did with Soundgarden.  But what a set of lungs on this guy.  Henry Rollins once described it as being able to peel paint off walls. Standout tracks: Loud Love, Jesus Christ Pose, Outshined, Spoonman
• Phil Anselmo (Pantera, Down, Superjoint Ritual) - Raw and aggressive and just the best to get you pumped up for any physical activity.  People write him off as an asshole but i prefer to listen to the pantera cds and shake my head about how in your face the vocals are. Standout tracks: Cemetary Gates, This Love, Domination, Walk, Mouth For War, I'm Broken

• Max Cavalera (Sepultura, Soulfly) - Mario and i like to joke about his constant Portuguese count ins and random vocal grunts but Max is great.  I can't believe he can still talk let alone sing because his voice sounds like it is blowing out his vocal cords.  Great aggressive singer who i think sounded best on the album Roots. Standout tracks: Propaganda, Territory, Attitude, Cut-Throat, Straighthate, Bumba, Tribe, Pain, Living Sacrifice

• Jimmy Page (The Yardbirds, Led Zeppelin) - This guy was just ridiculous. He brought so many different styles into his own playing. I can't really put into words what made him so good. He wrote good songs and good riffs and he was a great producer. Not to mention his telecaster tone on the first album is outstanding. Stand-out tracks: Whole Lotta Love, Dazed and Confused, The Ocean, Kashmir, Communication Breakdown, Achilles Last Stand, Since I've Been Loving You
• Jeff Beck (The Yardbirds, Jeff Beck Group, solo artist) - Another great guitarist who has been innovative throughout his whole career. A lot of guitarists owe a huge debt to this guy. Stand-out tracks: Shapes of Things, Over Under Sideways Down, Let Me Love You, Rice Pudding, Beck's Bolero
• Slash (Guns and Roses, Slash's Snakepit, Velvet Revolver) - He plays a loose kind of bluesy rock guitar but he is a really good guitarist. Wrote some of the best riffs ever with Guns and Roses. His tone, his touch, his sense of dynamics and all that are outstanding. Stand-out tracks: Welcome to the Jungle, November Rain (especially the solos), Paradise City, Civil War, Sweet Child O' Mine, Don't Cry, Slither
• Angus Young (AC/DC) - The swing that he plays with is undeniable. He has a great sense of rhythm and timing. Also he proves that you can be heavy without cranking the distortion. Love his tone and his riffs. Stand-out tracks: TNT, Back in Black, Thunderstruck, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, Whole Lotta Rosie
• Vernon Reid (Living Colour) - He brought jazz and funk to Living Colour's brand of hard rock and is unique in his soloing. His solos seem like they were written by someone on speed, he plays hundreds of notes and it just turns into this great big mindfuck. Also his use of harmonics is terrific. Great guitar tone and a good songwriter to boot. Stand-out tracks: Cult of Personality, Desperate People, Time's Up, Information Overload
• Pete Townsend (The Who) - Not a flashy guitarist but still a fantastic songwriter and he had some memorable riffs and chord progressions. One of the most underrated guitarists in my opinion. Stand-out tracks: My Generation, I Can't Explain, Baba O'Reilly, Behind Blue Eyes, Who Are You
• Brian May (Queen) - The most underrated guitarist ever. It's amazing how little attention he gets. His playing is outstanding, his solos not only are well composed but his tone is beyond words sometimes. Love his work. Stand-out tracks: Killer Queen, Another One Bites the Dust, Princes of the Universe, We Will Rock You (noteworthy because it essentially has no guitar until his solo which starts @ 1:31, the solo is great and the tone is awesome as usual.)
• Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits) - Where do i begin? I can't even explain what i want to say. Just listen to Sultans of Swing. That song sums up everything i would want to say about him. Just awesome. Stand-out tracks: Sultans of Swing, Money for Nothing
• Dimebag Darrell (Pantera, Damageplan) - Dimebag has the sad distinction of being the only deceased guitarist on this list. I was very sad when i learned that he was murdered in December of 2004. Anyway, this guy was truly a guitar genius. He brought something new to metal. It's easy to say metal guitarists just play one finger power chords in drop-d tuning and that they have no real talent but Darrell did. He could just play and play. He put many of his contemporaries to shame when he first appeared on the scene. His playing had so many influences and yet it was unique to only him. This guy was so good at such a young age that he was barred from entering statewide guitar competitions in Texas at the age of 16 because he had won too many already. Stand-out tracks: Walk, Mouth for War, This Love, Cemetary Gates, I'm Broken, Revolution is My Name (the main riff is awesome), Domination, Cowboys from Hell, just about anything he played.
• Steve Cropper (The Mar-Keys, Booker T and the MGs, played on some Otis Redding songs) - Mr. Subtlety is what i call this guy. His playing fits every song he played on perfectly. He did more with three notes than i could do with three hundred. He stayed in the pocket, playing perfectly with the rhythm section. He was also an accomplished songwriter. Stand-out tracks: (Sittin) On The Dock of the Bay, Soul Man, Green Onions
• Tom Morello (Rage Against the Machine, Audioslave) - When i first heard him play, i had never heard anything like it before. He uses a lot of effects to create the sounds he uses but in order to think up the ideas he has to have a very creative mind. The funny thing is, he doesn't use effects to cover up his poor playing, the guy can really play. He is a very accomplished musician. He used to practice 8 hours a day when he went to college. He wrote some great riffs and some of the stuff he plays doesn't seem hard but try and play it as smoothly and effectively as he does and you'll see why he is so good. Stand-out tracks: Bombtrack, Freedom, Bulls on Parade, Calm Like a Bomb, Born of a Broken Man, Bullet in the Head, Like a Stone
• Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top) - The touch and timing this guy plays with is exceptional. His playing has an undeniable groove to it. Apparently he was Jimi Hendrix' favorite guitarist. Stand-out tracks: Got Me Under Pressure, La Grange, Legs, Tush, Cheap Sunglasses, Sharp Dressed Man
• Tony Iommi (Black Sabbath) - This guy wrote some of the best riffs of all time. He influenced not only other guitarists but an entire genre. Not bad for a guy who is missing the tips of his middle and ring fingers on his fretting hand. Stand-out tracks: Iron Man, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, Sweet Leaf, Paranoid, Black Sabbath, War Pigs, Fairies Wear Boots

• When i see heavy set girls in Victoria's Secret i always ask "why do they bother?"  No amount of sexy underwear is going to make that look good.  You can't wrap a camel in lace and expect me to hump it.
• Mel Kiper Jr. has the uncanny ability to get his hair looking the same everyday, as well as the uncanny ability to get almost every mock draft pick wrong.
• I'm officially an idiot for leaving Freddie Mercury off my top vocalists list. 
  
• Two thumbs up go to Carlos Rogers for his best Lil Jon impression after he heard his name called at the draft.
• News flash to any and all sports memorabilia stores in RI, there are other teams besides the red sox and yankees. 
  
• I'm thinking i might be a speedo guy.
• If i had started playing football at a young age i could have been a varsity starter in high school and an all american in college.  I would have been a 4th round draft pick and probably would have been a stand out on special teams last year.  Instead i have to continue to dominate Madden.
• Even working on a smaller vehicle, Joe has shown that he can't assemble a car.  If the baja car is an example of how his mustang restoration is going to go, then we can expect his mustang to be done exactly 10 years and 5 months from now.  Give or take a trip to the bar or two.
  

• the journal i received for my trip from becky j. this gift was awesome and showed a lot of thought and effort. 10 out of 10.
• a led zeppelin bootleg that i received from john hathaway for christmas one year. i love zeppelin and for that guy to take the time to make that bootleg for me was very cool and unexpected.
• a bob marley painting that casey gave me several christmas' ago. this was a great gift and it looks good on my wall. though the blanket she made for me was also a very unexpected and cool gift.
• a little practice amp from my parents. started me on the way to getting really loud and obnoxious on the guitar.
• a black converse t-shirt from becky z. one of my favorite shirts hands down
• the torch from vere. awesome random gift. though his gift of a plastic penis beaded necklace from new orleans is sweet as well.
• TIE: receiving GTA III from Casey/ receiving GTA San Andreas from Becky J. Both are really badass gifts because i love stealing cars and killing people digitally.
• Wow i can't believe i almost forgot this one. For my 20th birthday casey bought me a 4 track recorder which i think is one of the coolest gifts i have ever received. I love recording on that thing.
• a computer from my rents for when i started college. How cool is receiving a friggin computer?
• my body..a gift to myself :-)

• Natty Dread - Bob Marley and the Wailers. Marley being melodic and militant as a motherfucker. It doesn't get any better than when he sings "...I feel like bombin a church, now that you know that the preacher is lying"
• O - Damien Rice. So melodic and haunting, i still have a hard time listening to this even now because of all the memories the songs bring up.
• Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin. What a great album and its their friggin debut. Good stuff all around but the stand out track is clearly "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You".
• Thriller - Michael Jackson. Do i even need to justify this one. Forget all the weird shit now and think back close to 25 years ago when he made albums like this. Every song is good. Not too many albums can make that claim.
• Toxicity - System of a Down. I listened to their first album first obviously but i couldn't really wrap my head around what i was hearing. This album made it click. This is one of the few albums i own that i can listen to front to back and all over again. I love this album but vere has taken it hostage that cock smuggler.
• Roots - Sepultura. I have read a lot of negative reviews of this album. That having been said, i feel it is Sepultura's best album and one the heaviest and most intense albums i have ever heard. You want to lift something heavy? Put this album on.
• The Used - The Used. Another debut album that really caught my attention when i listened to it. I love this album. But like toxicity it is not in my possession right now hint hint
• Welcome to the Cruel World - Ben Harper. I actually purchased his second album first but when i heard this album i knew i was going to end up buying everything he released. The instrumentation is sparse on this album compared to his later stuff but the depth of the lyrics and the melodies he comes up with are what make this album so good. Listen to "Forever" and try to pretend you don't understand where he is coming from. I can't.
• Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band - The Beatles. This is an obvious choice. This album was such a departure from all the albums prior to this. They really just went for whatever they wanted and it all worked. I hate them for that. And i think this album was only recorded on an 8 track.
• Vulgar Display of Power - Pantera. I know a lot of the albums i like are more current but what can you do? I really loved Cowboys from Hell which is the album that preceeded this one. However this album just has so much raw energy and aggression that you can't help but love it. As with Roots this is what you should listen to when you want to lift something heavy. I don't know how you manage to capture that kind of anger on an album but they did it.

• The Second Stage Turbine Blade - Coheed and Cambria. This album kicked my ass when i first listened to it. I couldnt believe how high the guy could sing and how well the different guitar parts fit together. It's a really good album for driving. On a side note it also contains the song "Delirium Trigger" which is one of the best songs i have heard recently.
• Truth - The Jeff Beck Group. Want to hear good classic rock? Then check out this one. Ever hear rod stewart sing real rock? Give a listen. This album has the swagger of the Rolling Stones' with none of the pretense.
• Blind Melon - Blind Melon. I was too quick to judge this one. I thought no rain was all they had to offer. Man was i wrong. This album has a cool vibe to it. Almost psychedelic with a strong southern roots rock feel to it. I can't quite put my finger on it but i know that this album shouldn't be judged just by No Rain. It's a very very good album.
• Stomping Ground - Goldfinger. I don't usually enjoy "punk" music but this album is great. It's packed with catchy songs with tons of great hooks.
  
• Elephant - The White Stripes. I know a lot of people hate the White Stripes but i will sing their praises for a long time. The music is raw and sometimes simplistic but that doesn't mean it doesn't rock. Jack White continues to make great songs out of basic chord progressions. I also really like his lyric writing. This album brought it all together for me.
• Graceland - Paul Simon. Are you kidding? Don't even look for a reason just go get the damn album.
• Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon and Garfunkel. Where do i begin? Amazing songwriting, fantastic vocal harmonies and some of the best lyrics ever. Just put this album on and lay down and listen.
• Paranoid - Black Sabbath. Great simple yet heavy riffs. That's all i need to say.
• Who's Next - The Who. This album is one of their best. All the key ingredients are there. I find that listening to this band too much on a compilation album gets to me after awhile but this album is so good that i don't even notice the time slipping by.
  

• I would let Henry Rollins punch me in the face.  This is risky because he is a strong angry man and it would hurt like hell but i respect him so i would let him do it. 
  
• I would let Ben Harper punch me in the face.  I base this punch allowing because i respect his music so much.  I figured it won't hurt he isn't that big of a guy.
• I would have let Voltaire punch me (or as was fashionable at his time, slap me).  He was a pretty clever and insightful guy.
• I would let Robert Plant, Jimmy Page or John Bonham (when he was alive) punch me.  But not John Paul Jones, that guy couldn't be bothered to move his teeth apart when speaking so fuck him.
• I would punch myself in the face because this posting sucks
  

• Waiters/waitress' will always ask you how your meal is just after you have put food in your mouth. You can't speak and so you have to nod and mumble like some kind of pastore.
• Any traffic light you need to be green will be red. Conversely if you need to spit mouthwash out of your car and you need to stop a traffic light to do so, you will have green lights your entire trip.
• Any time you are in a rush to drive somewhere, you won't be able to find your keys right away.
• Sweating at night can be a very very good thing
• Sex in the shower is really good. it's weird because you are combining a sweaty endeavor with a cleansing environment. Its not unlike running a marathon in a rain storm.
• Any time you sit down to play guitar with the express purpose of writing something new, you won't be able to do it but if you sit down just to fuck around you will come up with something good.
• No one likes Converse All Stars and i'm just fine with that
• Hitting a homerun in wiffleball is such a good feeling ( i hit one today that cleared my brother's friends house on the fly)
• Going over hills/riding in a plane that suddenly gains or loses altitude makes my sac region tingle. I love it.
• I'm ok being, at best, average looking.
• My sense of humor isn't for everyone and by that i mean only about 5% of the population thinks its funny. Ah well
  

• "the finger" - i am so sick and tired of seeing people give the finger.  I see people flick each other off all the time in traffic, in bars and just about everywhere else.  Also giving the finger in a picture is played out and makes you look like a tool.  An unoriginal one at that.  Kid Rock called, he wants his pose back.
• "The rock and roll devil horns" - This probably once was cool but now its a little much for me.  When i see 13 year old girls who listen to Britney Spears doing it, i get very very soft.  If there were ever a death knell that would be it.
• "The shocker" - hmmmm what to say about this?  Um ok, if you haven't actually given a girl the shocker don't bother to walk around doing the hand gesture.  Actually even if you have done it to a girl please don't walk around doing it.  You look like a fucking idiot.  And everyone who is laughing when you do it, are laughing at you.  Your dick is that small. Unless you are a girl who walks around flashing it.  I have seen this before.  A girl flashes the shocker.  She giggles thinking she did something clever (when in reality she should be cooking me something for dinner).  Once someone explains to her what it means, she gets all grossed out.  Shut the fuck up.  I hate you and your vagina is too big.
• "The peace sign" - You won't get peace by walking around with your fingers in the air.  So do me a favor, go find the nearest toilet and clean the base of it with your tongue. Or don't.  God you suck. You fucking long hairs.  Your revolution is over. Condolences, the bums lost.
  
• "any real or fake gang signs" - Honestly cut the shit.  Are you in a gang?  No? then cut it out.  Unless you want to get shot, knifed, choked, beaten, run over or gang raped in prison.  Doesn't sound like fun does it?  You are white, now get used to it.
  

• I can't do this, there are too many for me to list.  I did rather enjoy my haiku though.
  

wow i haven't posted in over a month.  Alright there is a lot to get you guys caught up on.  I have moved to Massachusetts and i currently work at Tweeter.  If you don't know what Tweeter is, then you are clearly a better person than me.  I recently joined the gym down the street from my apartment.  This is a good thing because i needed a place where i can actually get a good work out.  Note to all the guys in the gym, quit posing in front of the mirror when you have no definition, unless of course you are trying to do your best vere impression in which case i am extremely amused.  I realized that the reason i haven't had many sexual partners is not because i'm not social and outgoing and all that but rather because i'm not good looking.  hmm go figure, i'm surprised i've even had sex once but then again stranger things have happened.  I don't think its wrong for me to say that New Orleans might be rebuilt before joe finishes his mustang.  Way to go pal.

So on Oct. 12 it was one year since i started this trainwreck known as my blog.  Not to be confused with the trainwreck known as vere's lats. ugh.  anyway, a lot has changed in my life since i started this blog, some good things, some bad things,  Let's recap.  

• Halloween 04' - went out trick or treating dressed as a mexican vagrant worker.  Was approached by mexican american who said my costume was racist.  I told that spic he was wrong.  jerk off
• November 04' - bought my first cell phone, went to a bar for the first time.  I've never been softer
• December 04' - shivered, caught a cold, masturbated during a snow storm, didn't get what i wanted for christmas for the 15th friggin year in a row, auditioned for america's next top model but was told i was "too pretty"
• January 05' - shivered, didn't catch a cold but might as well have, didn't stick to the resolutions i didn't make, woke up one day with my underwear on my head and my ear bleeding
• February 05' - shunned valentine's day
• March 05'- went to Seattle, Portland, Grants Pass, Redding and San Francisco (where i didn't kiss any men thank you), shot a man in reno just to watch him die
• April 05' - Offered a job by Donald Trump, shit on the hood of his rolls royce and then had him give me a blank check
• May 05' - set a north american weight lifting record by benching 1500 pounds ten times and then knocking over a mountain by headbutting it
• June 05' - outran a cheetah just so i could say i did, also turned 23 for the first time ever!
• July05'- Went to block island for the 4th of july, on the way back had to tow the ferry behind me with a rope after it broke down
• August 05'- went to the berkshires where i became mayor for a day and was revered as a god, also went to Miami where I singled handedly thwarted Hurricane Katrina
• September 05' - Moved into new apartment in Quincy Ma and started to work at Tweeter, i'm the best looking employee hands down
• October 05' - Won the powerball but told them i wipe my ass with 350 million, i win....to be continued

I know it seems as if i complain a lot and maybe i do but compared to how much i think about certain things it seems as if i hardly ever speak my mind.  Here is a run down of stuff people should know about me.

• I don't drink, smoke or do drugs.  Most people think i'm lame because of this but hey its a two way street you assholes.  Doesn't appeal to me at all, never has, never will.
• I don't enjoy people in general.  They suck.  Large groups of them frighten the shit out of me.  I can't handle it.
• I may be over emotional but thats because i keep it all to myself.
• i enjoy working out because of how fat i used to be.  Working out allows me to distance myself from what i once was and reminds me of how badly i don't want to go back.
• Music is one of the few things that completely captivates me.
• Its tough for me to make and keep friends, so those of you who are still my friends, thank you for dealing with it all.
• Yes i have been walked all over in previous relationships.  No, it won't happen again.
• I have horrible self esteem and make up for it by being overly confident to those around me, even though i don't believe anything i say.
• I'm completely in love with someone who doesn't want to be with me. 
• I've cut myself on several different occasions.  No it didn't help me feel better and it didn't change a fucking thing.
• I'm shy and not as funny as i think i am
• I'm definitely as smart as i think i am

So i guess thats mostly me.  Happy holidays and all that

• he is a lousy dresser and shows no desire to fix that about himself
• he isn't a good dancer and refuses to try and improve or to dance at all
• he is stubborn
• he is too shy for his own good
• he can be judgemental and condescending
• he likes to explain punchlines to jokes
• he is crazy and doesn't try to hide it
• he showers for way too long
• he talks to people like they are dumb and/or like they are children
• when he hears a song he knows he has to say who sang, who wrote, who plays guitar, what year it came out etc.
• he quotes movies all the time for no reason
• he is selfish
• he is insensitive
• he isn't open to new things or to change
• his car is wack
• his penis is disappointing (i like it though)
• he is moody almost all the time
• he is jealous and overbearing
• he isn't thoughtful
• he isn't romantic
• he is cheap
• he takes up all the sheets in bed
• he has no drive
  
• he is depressed
• he has no self esteem
• he drives like an idiot
• he gets angry often and for no reason
• he likes the vikings
• he doesn't go and do anything
• he is a fucking asshole who deserves what he is feeling and will die alone because he is too stubborn to do anything about his life

• Eric Clapton was born to a 16 year old mother who had him out of wedlock, that would make him a bastard in more ways than one.  His father wanted nothing to do with him which should speak volumes about what kind of kid he was.  Little fucker
• Falsified himself as god, as graffiti stating "Clapton is God" sprung up all around London.  Claims that Clapton did all the graffiti himself are unconfirmed but must be true.
• Couldn't keep to his own thing and had to stick his dick in numerous bands thus speeding up the decline of each band.  The victim list includes John Mayalls Bluesbreakers and The Yardbirds.  He had the nerve to ask if he could join The Band but Robbie Robertson told him to suck a dick.  Clapton has been doing just that ever since.
• He helped form Cream.  That alone says a lot to me.
• Tried to steal George Harrison's wife away when she was still married to Harrison.  The song Layla as well as few other songs on the album Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs are written about her. Scumbag.
• Managed to kill more than his fair share of fellow musicians.  Saw Hendrix the night he died.  His karma was bad enough to kill duane allman.  They were in america about to go on tour together with Derek and the Dominos and sure enough look what happens. Stevie Ray Vaughn was touring with clapton when his death in an helicopter occurred.  Thanks slowhand. 
  
• Took Bob Marley's song "I Shot the Sheriff" and whited it way up.  Thus opening the floodgates and allowing every white guy to try his hand at reggae.  We can thank clapton for ub40 existing. 
  
• Admitted racist and was afraid more ghettos would spring up in england and hoped for a black colony to be created.  Later blamed said comments on his being a fall down asshole drunk fuck. fuck you clapton.  I say racist shit sober why can't you?
• Cheated on his wife at least twice and had children with these hoes on the side while he was still married.  Denied existence of a daughter he had during one of these flings.  Douchebag
• Pushed his son out of a window in order to inspire himself to write new material.  Tears in Heaven? More like blood on hands or money in bank. 
  
• Banned from driving in france for going 134 mph in his porsche.  get a grip asshole

In January 2005, film critic Patrick Goldstein of the Los Angeles Times said in an article that Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo was overlooked for an Academy Award because "nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic." Schneider responded two weeks later with full-page ads in Daily Variety and The Hollywood Reporter where he said "Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind ... Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers."

• Sporadic Winners (Red Sox)
• All of a Sudden Dominate (Patriots)
• I would rather fist myself than watch them lose (Celtics, Bruins) 

The recent freakish weather has me concerned.  I fear i might go out one day when its nice and be wearing a t shirt and shorts and then within two hours it will be snowing and i will die of exposure.  Thanks a lot al gore, you and your damn documentary are now officially in my head.  We recently got a Roomba which is a robot that vacuums on its own.  I wasn't all that impressed.  It took roughly an hour to vacuum a room that I could vacuum in 10 minutes.  And it bumps into walls, which i guess the makers consider "sensing" the dimensions of the room.  So it bumps into a wall or a piece of furniture and then spins and continues on its way.  Sort of like hiring a blind guy to mow a fenced in yard.  Yeah he'll get it done but it might just be easier to do it yourself.  We are also currently pet sitting.  The dog is cool and all but very high maintenance.  She needs ear drops and allergy meds and three meals a day and blah blah blah.  This dog has literally walked over a mile before she pissed.  Whats that all about?  Usually when you say "I'm going for a walk with the dog" you actually mean you are walking the dog around so it pisses and shits.  This dog will seriously just walk.  Finally as if sensing my ultimate frustration the dog finally does what it should have done within the first 5 minutes.  By then my face is numb and I've lost all respect for life.  Come on spring, lets fucking do this already. 

So the jetta was returned to me on the 5th of april.  Cut to the following day when the goddamn thing wouldn't even start.  Fast forward to a scene of me dropping off the car via tow truck to the same assholes who claimed they fixed it.  Fast forward a few more days and the guy informs me i need to replace the throttle body which costs somewhere between 390 and 600 dollars.  Thats without the labor.  So i have left the car at the mechanics for now.  I don't even know what to do.  I could fix that part and then trade in the car.  I could fix the part and keep driving the car until it shits itself again or i could just scrap it somehow and buy a new car.  I have no idea what i should do.  I love that car.  The thought of not driving it saddens me.  But i can't afford to drive a car that could go at anytime.  Being a jetta owner is like being in love with a woman who has a substance abuse problem.  You love her and yet you never know when she will be in tip top shape or whether she'll just decide not to do anything that day.  She burns through your money and leaves you feeling empty and still she holds a special place in your heart. 

Here I am writing a blog post instead of getting ready to go to work.  I started the carpentry job yesterday.  It wasn't bad and yet I almost feel like not going in this morning.  I must be used to having tuesday off.  I read that women find the leader of a group attractive.  The article said to be regarded as the leader you must, talk loudly, take up a lot of space, interrupt others.  Thats all i ever do.  Hello alpha male status.  I find it amusing in the cialis commercials when they warn about the danger of priapism, which is an erection lasting for 4 hours or more.  That pretty much sums up my life as a 12 year old.  4 hours?  Thats nothing.  I think i had one from the age of 12 all the way to 14.  Top that.  There was something else i was going to comment on but of course i forgot all about it.  Typical. 

  This past Saturday Becky and I attended a wedding anniversary party for one of her clients.  Her client's husband is, to be put it gently, loaded.  He is the president and ceo of Harrah's entertainment and a director for Coach Inc.  So in other words, wealthy.  We arrived at what i can only describe as a palatial home around 630 pm.  This was just in time to see Cam Neely walking in.  Once inside the compound i saw lenny clark.  There was an open bar and shrimp and lobster tails available.  We had a catered meal which was really excellent.  I saw a thin man in a suit slink in later and we were trying to figure out who he was when it clicked.  It was Peter Wolf from J. Geils Band.  He ended up doing an impromptu version of Musta Got Lost with the band who was playing.  It was pretty dope to say the least.  Oh yeah and later Curt Schilling showed up.  You know, a typical saturday night for me.  Oh yes I almost forgot to mention that this is post #200.  Not bad, it only took me around 32 months to get to that number.  I figure vere will hit 200 posts around the time his kid is 17 or 18.  In honor of hitting number 200 I will now with the help of wikipedia list some important facts that have to do with the number 200.  

• 200 MeV is the temperature quark-gluon plasma phrase transition
• 200 is the sum of dollars given to players when they pass Go in Monopoly
• 200 is the smallest base 10 unprimeable number

• The sum of Euler's totient function φ(x) over the first twenty-five integers is 200

• 200 is an HTTP status code indicating a successful connection

I have long had a hate-hate relationship with myself.  I'm used to it and I don't give it a second thought.  However I have noticed a lot of people who have certain qualities that are hated by others (more specifically, me).  If these people would only realize they possess these qualities things might be better for everyone.  Because I am so helpful I will provide a list so that one may recognize any annoying qualities they may have. 

You should hate yourself if:

• You drive slowly in the high speed lane
• you change lanes or turn without using a signal
• you honk your horn the second a light turns green
• you (while walking down the sidewalk) help someone: a) pull into a spot, b) pull out of a spot, c) parallel park.
• you pronounce the word "supposedly" as if there were a "b" somewhere in there.  Pronounced "supposebly".  Morons.
• When comparing yourself to someone else you say "So don't I" or "So can't I".  Example: "Hey Bob did you know I can dunk?"  "Oh yeah?  So can't I!"  You cannot use can't or don't as affirmatives in a sentence.  It doesn't make sense. 
• You refer to several people as "youse guys".  Double plural is redundant and youse is not a word.
• you utter the expression "Alls I'm saying".  Cut it out. Thats all I'm saying.
• You park your car and open the trunk to let everyone know how annoying your subwoofers really are.
• You spend money to outfit your Acura with said subwoofers.
• You wear designer clothes to the gym (including jeans and designer T-shirts).
• You wear high heels out for a night on the town and then complain if you have to walk more than 20 feet wearing said shoes.  Fashion or comfort make your choice.
• You talk on your phone in restaurants, bookstores, libraries etc.  Turn it off and shut up.  If your mom can't reach you, she'll just call me like she always does.
• You have one of those ribbon magnets on your car.  No one fucking cares if you support whatever is trendy.  
• You have a "Baby on Board" sign affixed to your window.
• You like Harry Potter.  Actually more than that, you line up to be one of the first assholes to buy the newly released book, you line up for the movies etc.
• Oh one i forgot, if you're an adult and you love the books AND you dress up like a wizard or witch and have a discussion group, then you should really hate yourself because the majority of the population hates you already.
• you have a tribal arm band tattoo
• you wear your sunglasses upside down on the back of your head.  Thats a good spot for them.
• You have a mini flag of whatever nation you are from hanging from your rearview mirror.
• You have more than 1 bumpersticker on your car.  Increase the hate for every one over 10 that you have.
• you have any religious gibberish bumperstickered on your car.  I'm glad jesus is your co-pilot but I hate you and I'm pretty sure if god was real, he would hate you too.
• you wear capri pants.  Pants or shorts its not a difficult choice.  Double the hate if you are a male who wears capris.
• You drive a hummer
• you drive a hummer and you can't park without taking up two spaces.
• You've been to a rally and cheered or booed. 
• You read my blog on a consistent basis

•  Has anyone seen the Nike "Leave Nothing" commercial that features Steven Jackson?  Well true to his word that is exactly what he is leaving on the field.  Nothing.  Just ask the people who drafted him in fantasy football.  Hey Steven why the long face?  Oh never mind thats just your elongated jaw and droopy lower lip.
• Peter North is definitely the Jackson Pollack of porn.
• Dane Cook: Whats more boring, this years MLB postseason or your ads during said playoffs?
• Channing Crowder: Christ man, if you're stupid don't give an interview confirming that for the public. 
  
• Does anyone at ESPN want to tell Dick Vitale that its ok not to yell during every segment he does?
• I hate that Jesse Jackson is the only person to step up and criticize white people when they are accused of being racist.  Why can't Mr. T be the go-to minority for such things?  How great would those interviews be?
• I do not love New York.  The state or the slut.
• Besides being a flamingly gay male what makes Tim Gunn such a clothing guru?
  

•   I'm very suprised that marty's parents would let him hang out with a 65 year old man constantly.  Not to mention the fact that marty knows where the spare key to doc brown's house is and lets himself whenever he wants.  He also seems to have no problem meeting up with Doc at 1 in the morning in a mall parking lot.  Just seems a little sketchy thats all.
• Marty was a very talented guitarist but seemed to lack a direction in his music.  He was in a punk sounding band "The Pinheads" but played a huey lewis and the news song.   Now i love huey lewis but i consider him light rock or even new wave.  Then when marty is in 1955 he nails a sorching version of Johnny B. Goode but then proceeds to shred all over it, ruining the flow of the song and draw disgusted looks from the Starlighters .  You can hear some eddie van halen approved tapping in there as well.  Marty I'm digging it but focus man.
• He was also an exceptional skateboarder and escape artist.  It seems to me that between the guitar playing, skating and escaping things (bullies,his family,responsibility), Marty didn't really make a lot of time for school.  Strickland was right, you are a slacker pal.  Marty is one of those kids who would have ended up at a tech college.  I went to high school with a bunch of kids like that.
• He was dating a prude.  At least in the first one.  He tries to rub jennifer's stomach at one point and she asks him to stop but she is willing to kiss him.  Prude.  Probably wears kitchen gloves to give handjobs. 
  

• Why was there no Biff jr. going to high school with marty to make the mcfly tormenting last even longer.  I mean mad dog hated seamus.  biff hated on george.  biff jr. hated on marty jr in the future but why was there no one besides strickland antagonizing marty?  Loop hole.

• I'm glad I went to URI.  It allowed me to meet my best friend and to form stronger relationships with people I knew from high school.
• I'm glad I went out west in march of 2005.  It was an amazing experience and I still think about it to this day.
• I'm glad I moved to Massachusetts, twice.  I wasn't always glad during my first time there but its starting to feel more and more like home.

• I wish I had studied harder in college.  I feel that my fucking off set me back career wise.  I'm still paying for my mistakes from college.
• I wish I had taken the GRE's back when I first started studying for them.  I would be close to being finished with grad school by now.
• I wish I had stayed out west longer.  Now I have to live vicariously through Casey's ever diminishing brother Pete, who coincidentally is my hero.
• I wish I hadn't alienated so many people throughout my life.
• I wish I had seen my grandfather one last time before he died.
• I wish in a years time I'll never have to make a list of the things I wish I had done.  Hopefully it will all be things I'm glad I did.
  

Spending the majority of my life in rural North Kingstown, RI I never really encountered the need for crosswalks and walk signals.  Now that I'm in and around Boston I constantly encounter them.  I loathe them and really only hit the button to aggravate people who are driving.  Mainly I practice what I have dubbed "urban base running".  Just as in baseball you need good fundamentals, you need good reflexes and a touch of fearlessness. You must perfectly time your dash from one side of the street to the other.   The stakes however are a little higher.  When you get "thrown out", it means you have just been hit by a vehicle and are probably severely injured and/or dead.  Of course these soft bostonians rely solely on the crosswalk, its walk signal and/or crossing guards.  Yeah you read that right, a lot of towns have crossing guards...for adults!  I wonder if people need hall passes in their buildings to move freely without consequence.  Noobs.  There are three types of crosswalk users.   There is the person who slaps the cross button and doesn't wait for the signal to come up.  They hit the button and just keep walking as they cross the street.  This of course allows them to cross but it also means that the light will come on soon, thereby delaying traffic for no reason.  There is the person who sits there and either holds the button or they hit the button over and over.  I'm pretty sure once is adequate and you look like a chimp just standing there trying to conquer technology.  The third person doesn't hit the button but will keep edging out into the crosswalk until the oncoming traffic has no choice but to stop or accidently commit vehicular manslaughter.  Crosswalks are for losers. 

Usually around this time of year my post discusses how much I despise Christmas and holiday cheer.  Boring.  This year I'll talk about the things I do enjoy about Christmas. 

• I get a day off from work.  Usually you get more than one but apparently I don't this year.  Oh well.

Yeah thats it.  That is literally the only reason I'm looking forward to Christmas.  I don't like buying gifts, I don't like receiving gifts.  I don't like all the goddamn food.  I don't like the cold, the snow or the fucking decorations.  I hate the songs that are played ad nauseum around this time.  Actually there are two christmas songs I don't hate.  I like O Holy Night.  Its a good melody and actually quite a moving piece of music.  I found a version that I think was in Italian and that makes it better because you don't have to listen to all its religious themes.  Its certainly a far superior piece of music when compared to, oh I don't know Frosty the Snowman or Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (wow I just realized how much alliteration is in that title).  Those songs are horrible and they make want to punch every child in the face.  The second song I like is Feliz Navidad.  Namely because most of it is in Spanish and it reminds me of Mexico and Mexico isn't a place that makes me think of Christmas.  Its hot and there is no chance of snow.  Consider me a fan of Mexico. 

I think my biggest problem with Christmas is all the lying.  People give spare change to the collector from the Salvation Army, they give canned goods to the food bank or they adopt a family and they think "Ah I'm a good person now".  You helped maybe one person for one day out of the whole fucking year.  You are not a good person.  You are a selfish person who just happened to be guilt tripped into donating around Christmas time.  At least I can admit it.  I don't want to help anyone ever, regardless of the time of year.  I walked by a bell ringing person from the Salvation Army and he wished me a merry christmas, no doubt expecting that those words would make the spirit of giving flourish inside me.  I just nodded and went on my way.  I've spent more money at the Salvation than that guy will ever realize. I've definitely supported those who are less fortunate.  So don't give me that look while ringing that incredibly loud bell.  The other lying goes on when parents don't tell their children the truth about Santa Claus, which is namely that he isn't real.  God I hope a kid reads this.  By telling your child(ren) that Santa is real you are setting them up for disappointment later.  I remember when I realized Santa wasn't real.  I was crushed but for some reason I didn't blame my parents for lying to me.  I'm sure some kids do and will when they find out.  Also as a parent its a bad idea because it makes you look like a horrible gift giver.  "Ok kids here are your bikes and puppy from Santa"   "YAAAAYYY!!!!!!"  "And kids these sweaters are from your mother and I"  *Silence*   See?  Your children will think you don't love them as much as Santa does.   I don't get why its ok to convince your child that part of their lives revolve around imaginary things.  The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, God.  All fake, all made up and all a big part of most childrens lives.  Time to end the madness.  Tell your kids the truth, they'll love you for it later. 

I've been described as a pessimist, a cynic and a miserable bastard.  I don't disagree with any of those descriptors.  However I do feel that there are certain laws in my universe that are true 90% of the time.  These irrefuteable laws I shall list hence forth. 

• If I'm in a rush to get anywhere I will inevitably: get stuck at every possible red light/be stuck in bumper to bumper traffic because of an accident/have my car break down.
• If I enter the locker room at my gym I will immediately see at least two sets of male gentalia.  I'm fucking cursed.
• If I want to look good for a date, social event etc.  I will no doubt either have a enormous zit rise up like a phoenix from the ashes, cut myself shaving, get a horrible haircut or come down with some sort of infectious disease.
• If I use a Trojan condom it will either break or disappear under strange circumstances (read my book if you want to know about that story)
• If I convince myself I won't be depressed during the winter, it will no doubt snow like a bastard for a good portion of the winter.  I lose.
• If I vow to start running again, I will injury either my back or one of my legs before I can start, thereby ruining my chance to start.
• If I have a favorite item of clothing I will either lose it or it will rip in an unrepairable way.
• My best lovers become friends in the end.
• My best/most impressive accomplishments occur when no one is around to verify them.
• If I'm in a crowded public restroom I won't be able to urinate (known as shy bladder syndrome)
• If my number is close to being called at the RMV, a computer failure will undoubtly occur thus derailing my optimism.
• A group of girls will have a fat friend and that fat friend will be attracted to me, despite me not saying a word to her all night.
• Once a month my roommate or I will be bring a girl home that we met via the internet.

This list, like many things in my life, didn't turn out the way I was hoping.

I was recently messaged by a friends ex girlfriend.  She asked me to edit a post i had written over 3 years ago because it mentioned her by name and may or may not have insinuated that she engaged in coitus with men of the african-american persuasion.  She claimed I was being slanderous.  She is incorrect.  Because it was written, it is considered libel and secondly only a racist would say that my insinuation is slander.  Who cares about the race of your sexual partners?  Well I edited it because thats the kind of gentleman I am and I was also amazed that someone actually bothered to read that far back in my blog.  This, however, is not the reason I was posting.  The real reason I am posting is to share a list with you.  So presented in all its glory is things you shouldn't ever say to a woman after sex.

• "Thanks"
• "goddamn it, my sheets are fucking soaked now!"
• "i love you"
• "making love to you is amazing"
• "sorry"
• "your money is on the dresser, grab it on the way out"
• "I need to be up early, lock the door when you leave"
• "my friends won't believe i banged you"
• "i promise i won't put this video online"
• "whats your name?"
• "was it good for you?"
• "how can one person sweat so much?"
• "do you think i should have used a condom?"
• "lets get you out of here before my roommate wakes up and sees you"

Keep it in mind, apparently women don't want to hear one of these, let alone all of them in one night. oops

Last night Dave and I made our way to Dorchester.  I was surprised to find that there are actually sections of Dorchester that don't resemble a Lil Wayne video.  We had been invited over by two female acquaintances to imbibe and hang out.  Dave and I, never ones to say no, took them up on the offer.  I was interested for two reasons: 1) one of the girls seems semi interested in me (at least physically) and 2) they were making a punch called "pussy punch".  Needless to say I was intrigued.  We arrived fashionably late (at least an hour) and I proceeded to try and catch up by slamming two heaping glasses of pussy punch in roughly 3 minutes.  I nursed a few more throughout the night and slammed a beer.  Sadly I could not get to the level of intoxication I anticipated.  We had a good time, played a board game, dance to shitty music and dave and i even did pull ups on the exposed beams in their ceiling (we're fucking sex personified aren't we?).  It was late and I knew Dave had to get home because he has work early in the morning.  What proceeded was an awkward game of "Am i officially being invited to stay over? and if so how am i getting home in the morning?"  We couldn't figure it out so I went back with Dave and then was texted about how I should have brought my own car and I blew it etc.  So I wasn't drunk and I wasn't laid.  So on a scale of 1 to shitty, how shitty would you say my night was? 

As I drove home in the snow for what was probably the 30th time this winter, I laughed (in between screaming and punching the steering wheel) about all the people who tell me "you'll miss the seasons when you move to a warmer climate".    I'm sure I will you fucking douchebags.  What the hell will I do when its Feb. and its 65 degrees?  Probably Google search for pics of snowy landscapes, stay in all day and just stare at the pictures.  I'll miss the shoveling, the cold fingers, the ice, the slippery driving, the accidents caused by the snow etc.  I just realized something, there is no goddamn way I'll miss any of that shit.  Do me a favor, if you are one of those people who would tell me that, go out, find an icicle and shove it through your eye.  Or have someone cram as much snow down your throat as possible and die.  I'll miss the winter like I'll miss having Mono.  Don't be stupid. 

I had to laugh the other day.  The lovely town of Weymouth sent me my excise tax.  It came to the robust amount of $48.75.  I don't mind paying it (actually thats a lie, I do mind, a lot.) but what bothered me was they included a form so I could donate to the Town Of Weymouth Scholarship Fund.  I almost set the thing on fire when I saw that.  Its bad enough you're bending me over for my excise tax but you want me to donate of my own free will as well?  Are you insane?  I don't care if the white trash in Weymouth get good educations or not.  Fuck you Weymouth, fuck you. 

I was in RI over the weekend to see my parents, do my laundry and have my dad do my taxes.  I realized that playing Nintendo 64 with my brother for hours on end is something I really miss doing.  I also realized that 4 loads of laundry is a shit ton of dirty clothes and it takes a long ass time to wash them all.  While doing my taxes (the section about health coverage) my father realized that I could avoid being penalized for not having health insurance if I claimed a religious exemption.  Allow me to pause here and explain to those of you fortunate enough to not live in Massachusetts what happens when you don't have health insurance.   In Mass. you get penalized for not having health coverage.  I don't understand the logic.  I assume the state is concerned about the problems that could arise from uninsured people flooding the hospitals but I think having to pay full price for your hospital visit is penalty enough.  Anyway, how cool is it that you can just check off a box that says you are too religious for healthcare and you can avoid a bunch of monetary headaches from the state.  Religion is the ultimate excuse for just about everything.  Homophobic?  Its probably because god hates gays right?  Racist?  God doesn't like people different than you right Jethro?  Its funny how we mold god to fit our lifestyles.  Even murderers feel that god is ok with their choices.  I'm reminded of a quote by Voltaire: "If God has made us in his image, we have returned him the favor".  Interesting no?  I'm off track.  My point is, how many people do you think claimed religious exemption after seeing that option?  I'm betting more than a few. 

The last thing I realized is I have exhausted all my hook up options in RI.  What a shame.

Last night was interesting.  I got home from work and started making dinner.  I put some ground turkey in a wok and heated it up.  Naturally, as I do when anything is cooking, I left the room and only came back in when I smelled the burning.  I then decided to garnish my partially burnt ground turkey with a can of refried beans.  Nothing is better than emptying a can and seeing that the food is in the shape of the can still.  Disgusting.  That had to be one of the most unenjoyable meals I've ever had.  After my delectable meal I decided to start drinking in anticipation of an upcoming amorous encounter.  You see I've realized that I can't engage in relations sober.  This is my life.  So I had two beers and two jager bombs and a separate shot of jager and then decided that I absolutely had to bang out some cardio.  So I took my full, slightly boozed body to Hosmer Hill and proceeded to do a full on hills workout.  This consists of sprinting up a hill ten times and doing pushups or jogging in between the sprints.  The whole point of interval training like that is to lower your heart rate and then spike it again by sprinting.  My problem was my heart was already racing from the red bull.  I almost threw up at least 5 times and thought i was going to go into cardiac arrest.  A good workout for sure.  So around midnight or so my company arrived, I took a half an hour shower and then...well you can imagine the rest.  I realized though that women aren't willing to dispense bjs easily.  Yes, thank you for tugging on it but the reason i'm thrusting my hips towards you is because i really want the old beej.  You aren't giving out weaponized plutonium to the the Libyans, its just oral sex.  Repressed.

The past week and a half had been great.  An occasional warm day here and there.  The snow was essentially all melted.  I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Spring was on its way with a full head of steam....then mother nature decided to shit snow all over us.  Now we're back to the way we were.  Staring at useless, taunting snow and wishing it was gone.  The commute is a little bit worse now, you look outside and its depressing.  Plus the worse part is having snow lovers tell me how happy they are.  Why?  My mom suggested that maybe if I skied or snowboarded I would embrace the snow.  I submit I wouldn't.  Even if the snow gave me erections I would eventually tire of it.  Mainly because of the ridiculous frequency of the snowfall this winter.  Ever heard of priapism? Its a bad thing for sure. 

After seeing pictures of Miley Cyrus jogging online I feel i finally have to comment on this.  Yeah shes alright looking but the main thing I don't like is that you know, no matter what she does, that her upper lip will never cover her top teeth.  "Miley, I want this pic to be serious, now stop smiling!"   "I'm not smiling"  Good god.  Short upper lips should have been evolutioned out of us generations ago. 

I cannot believe in this day and age that some religions still embrace and encourage segregation of faiths.  I dated a girl who was of a different faith than me.  I being a person living in the 21st century thought that wouldn't be an issue.  Apparently I was incorrect.  Never met the parents, never got invited to family gatherings.  Sort of makes you feel like a religious freak of nature.  Now shes with someone of the same faith so things are just perfect.  My point is its mind boggling how antiquated some peoples thinking can be.  Thats apparently progress.  

I don't believe in god.  Conversely that means I don't believe in Satan.  I think thats a shame.  Satan gets a bad rep from religious nuts.  Its unclear in that gossip rag known as the bible as to what Satan or Lucifer is.  In some descriptions  hes just a slight bad ass who can't act without gods permission, in others hes a fallen angel who tried to lead an uprising against god.  Either way he sounds incredibly cool.  Also Satanists don't worship the devil per say.  One of the main points of satanism is that since you shouldn't worship a false god or gods, you should worship yourself.  So the birth of your savior is when you were born.  It places a large emphasis on celebrating your birth.  How can you knock a faith that tells you to live it up on your birthday.  If i were Satan I wouldn't constantly fuck with humanity.  Mainly I'd challenge god to intergalatic fights.  How epic would those be? 

After working out yesterday, I found myself laying on my floor and watching terrible television shows.  Its just a flood of brainless entertainment.  Anyone with half a brain knows that there are only a few channels worth watching.  The History channel, the discovery channel...hmm i guess thats it.  I enjoy learning but I feel like I lose intelligence every time i flip on the tube.  One of the shows I was watching last night was "The L Word". This show, as far as I can tell is about lesbians.  Maybe thats taking the narrow view but thats what I gathered from 15 minutes of watching.  I was a bit thrown off.  During those 15 minutes I witnessed two gorgeous girls passionately making out (hey i'm a big fan of intimacy that involves two or more women.), a woman giving birth in a bath tub, a young woman being comforted after cutting her thigh with a razor, a girl having creepy horror-ish flashbacks and a group of women passing a baby around.  My head was spinning by the end.  When the women were passing the baby back and forth, a lot of them were crying.  I wondered if they were sad because they couldn't have children or because I wasn't a cast member of the show.  It did give me an idea however.  In vitro fertilisation can't be cheap so I figured I could help people out by donating my flawless genetic mixer to those who need it.  Just throwing that out there.

• I cook for me whenever I ask.
• I'll shower with me if I want me to.
• Sex is available anytime I want.
• I'm damn sexy.  I'm sure I appreciate me for that.
• I'm funny.  I laugh at me constantly.
• I might cheat on myself but I get to enjoy it as well.
• I never go to bed angry at myself, I always talk things out with me.
• I don't nag me.
• I don't even need to ask, I'll just know when I need something.
• I don't need constant validation in the form of daily phone calls from me.
• I don't need me to change flat tires, I can do it myself.
• I don't take forever to get ready, I never make me wait for myself.